Getting rid of STUFF is HARD

    Here I am today deciding when and what to keep. you see, my close is very small. well.. my whole room it is small. some people might think that my entire house looks kawaii or mori but not really.. the rest is..boring. but back to my room/closet. I do love things. always done. I grew up with a family of hoarders and even though it is very hard to say and swallow it.. it's true. always had seen too much stuff in my house. After starting my social media i noticed that i started buying well more with just the intention of showing off stuff on camera. It's ugly i know. even though i liked the things i showed i deep down knew that one: it's too hot in Florida to wear or use or two: too expensive and im too cheap or three.. well I never go out so what's the point. 

    YES, I also have a hoarding problem and I keep buying things I like. I would like to stick to what I like but there's so many cute things to be release every day.. yes, everyday.. that's a reason why im considering to stick with some and not ALL things. I noticed that I cannot have everything I like. even if I do, the horrors of seeing the hoarding accumulate my space terrifies me as someone who had to deal with that and had a NO said every time i would suggest throwing things away. I now know how hurtful can it be to have someone tell you to throw everything specially when you like it so much. You simply adore things.. but when is it too much? Im bumbling here because I really don't have the answer yet. 

    I'm just expressing my frustration of liking too much and having too little space to keep them. I hate how we have to choose on every little detail in life. this might not be a huge deal for you but as a human someone who will later in life pass. it kind of annoys me how i can't simple enjoy all the things i like. unless i buy for a certain time and keep reselling or donating. which is not sustainable for the environment and my mental health. have you felt similar to me? what are  your tips to overcome this? I like collecting anything i find kawaii, anime, mori kei fashion (endless) options.

From Climbing Pods to Beans and Rice

 I wanted to share my success this year with black beans which are from my country Puerto Rico. These beans are very good for very hot climates and work great here. I have only planted them 2 times but last year I added more. I'm still trying growing them up by myself here in my backyard but I'm still learning on how much spacing or how many each should normally produce. This year the weather has hit us quite different and the recent cold has stunted the grow or so i though. It has been weird because I had noticed that it also grew new pods very quickly at some times and when the weather felt normal and quite hot that's when this year they had been stunted. I need to study more for sure. I harvested several pods maybe 10 and my bf peeled the beans from the skin, and put them to soak in water for 8-12 hours. I completely forgot to share a photo of the pods but here are some of my current ones that I just harvested, perfect for thanksgiving.

 At first we were going to serve them to my family who came to visit for thanksgiving but since they're so many and it's only 10 pods which was in total like I don't know.. 50 beans? sort off, we decided to keep them for ourselves. We grew them, and were going to see more of the value than anybody else even my family. For thanksgiving my boyfriend made our typical rice with black beans which is a must in all of ours holidays, and added to it. They were delicious, I'm not sure If I can for certainty say they taste better than the supermarket ones or if its in my imagination but all I can say is that it felt so nice to eat something with a vegetable you grew in your own garden? Have you grow black beans? let me know in the comments :)

Forest Retreat: Embracing the Quiet Growth & Rekindling Creativity

Before I start telling you why I decided to pause for a bit my Youtube uploads, I wanted to first thank you all for following me all of these years there or even now if you joined recently. I have enjoyed all the person to person conversations I've had with you . Seeing many people mention how my videos helped them grow their mori wardrobe or mori goals has been a very pleasant surprise to me, I'm very fortunate to have found people who have been connected thru my content. I've been making Youtube videos for 7-8 years?? but not so much on mori content because It simply hasn't been like forever since I started to wear the fashion. I always have and had ideas for the channel you see. I actually have them written down in my notepad at this time, and I had one on script but I just keep finding it harder for me to continue there? I'm not saying I'm not going back again. I even keep saying how I'm going to upload a video soon and soon, well you get it. I keep promising things I can't deliver, and I don't feel good about it.

Anways, I'm going to tell you now everything I've been feeling: 

Even though I do enjoy being creative, making videos is a lot more of a pain than what you think it is. At least for someone who works 8-5 like the majority of people. Even though I was making it for fun, it does takes me hours to even film and then edit, etc. My editing is basic but they still take me a while. It drains me, and it keeps me stuck from doing anything else. I have to think on a script, I have to dress up, put on make up, figure out the lighting(which I still suck at), pay attention on the: battery, memory card, film ,edit, uploads and shares to all my social medias, let's not forget of reply and never stop engaging with people, get new ideas, and repeat). It didn't matter if I made a video short or long because it wouldn't get enough videos, likes or comments. Yes, I said I did them for fun but it also hurts when you love something and it takes so many hours, days or weeks and the content doesn't do well. This is my fault for being such a dreamer as well. Just the idea of having to put-on make up is already a struggle for me. I know I shouldn't have to but you know more than I do that being unpolished isn't a good look(sarcasm) on social media oh, specially as a woman. We don't have to lie to ourselves. Call me pessimist but that's how I have felt on social media since I started my channel or at least what I have seen these couple of years.

Sorry for saying of these things but there's so much stuff on my chest. It has been for so long. 

This is simply one of my issues but not the biggest one actually. Youtube has this constant non-stop grinding cycle with the whole algorithm, views, likes and subscribe thing really kills you slowly deep down. Doesn't help that my spoons are very limited as well as I suffer from chronic illnesses as well. again, I know I won't be the next PewDiePie but it really affects you after a while. This whole social media thing even on Instagram or TikTok it does take a toll on anyone who wants to share their passion or connect with anyone thru it. After the loss of my cat Hope which many of you know I really lost all of my "Hope". I wanted to quit for so long even before her departure to be honest because with all the pressure to look pretty, be trendy, make  content, be consistent, also the big amount of young people who also wants to be an influencer so young, it's insane and there's a lot of more competition for views. I was getting very depressed with all of it together. After Hope passed away I noticed how much time I have "lost". Even though I was with her everyday, the time I stayed just preparing for videos that didn't reached people because Youtube would recommend other things, or just because people won't be interested enough to be subscribed at least for future ones really was the final straw. I would had stayed just cuddling with her all that time and lived a slow life like I tended to advocate with the whole mori lifestyle. Ironic that, I wasn't doing it because I was all in into the influencer/social media nonsense. I got so sad to know I could have spent more time with her even if already had spent 100%, I wanted more. 200%,300% whatever. Better than feeling mentally sick with how social media sucks you up. Anyways, I was simply burnt out and depressed. A perfect combo for a hiatus. 

After spending few months away after her passing, I wasn't thinking on staying too long in hiatus because I felt that people "were waiting for me". I kept thinking that after so many videos, am I really leaving and quitting after those many years/videos uploaded? I felt that I would had wasted my time for nothing until I kept telling myself back that I already wasted it by not spending it with the people or companions I love/loved and are no longer here.

Now, why a blog? isn't that the same? 

well I really don't even know. Maybe. I never had a blog, or I have ever done journal but I know that besides having to attended a therapist after Hope passing I also needed a place to vent. Instagram's doesn't feel good because it still has that algorithm that drains me out and makes me sick with the whole constant ads on ads, and the whole never-ending unrealistic content. I didn't mentioned but also about collaboration videos I made which some I deleted from the channel. I was tired of showing off stuff. Mainly because they were given to me for free and even though i didnt liked if I liked the item it was a constant pressure,  and the amount of expectations was laughable. I would only receive money thru commissions but I'm a small channel so it's basically verh hard or impossible lol. Then the companies wouldn't ever contact me again but they could reuse my channel forever. Nono. Where was my channel heading to??? If I ever do sponsors I will think twice but for now I'm tired of sponsors so much.

The whole collaboration made me re-think many many things.

I want to be in a safe place/space, cozy corner or "burrow" hence my blog's name. Where I can be myself, talk... or in this case "type" without worrying about my memory card, battery, lighting or algorithm. I can do and say whatever I want. Nobody can see me how I'm dressed up or if my face is all dolled up. I can talk about all the things I like/hate and like to do in life. I thank my friend Lynzie who encouraged me to make a blog, even though it's been few days only but it seems I can never stop writing as if this is something I needed for so long. I'm not sure if I'm going to be burnt out in a week but I'm doing it now and as long as I can. I do will say that I have to pay attention that it doesn't happen to me here since I can look at likes, comments and views but I will try to focus on just writing and ignore that tab as much as I can.

Hope you can understand that I'm still me and I do still enjoy whatever you have seen me post about but, I needed a safer space to express myself. This will also help me expand on topics and help me grow in literature since that's something I was finding hard while making videos. My lack of vocabulary is very small(Spanish is my first language), and I l have a hard time retaining information when it comes to verbal communication) so I think for now this will be my little burrow.