Before I start telling you why I decided to pause for a bit my Youtube uploads, I wanted to first thank you all for following me all of these years there or even now if you joined recently. I have enjoyed all the person to person conversations I've had with you . Seeing many people mention how my videos helped them grow their mori wardrobe or mori goals has been a very pleasant surprise to me, I'm very fortunate to have found people who have been connected thru my content. I've been making Youtube videos for 7-8 years?? but not so much on mori content because It simply hasn't been like forever since I started to wear the fashion. I always have and had ideas for the channel you see. I actually have them written down in my notepad at this time, and I had one on script but I just keep finding it harder for me to continue there? I'm not saying I'm not going back again. I even keep saying how I'm going to upload a video soon and soon, well you get it. I keep promising things I can't deliver, and I don't feel good about it.
Anways, I'm going to tell you now everything I've been feeling:
Even though I do enjoy being creative, making videos is a lot more of a pain than what you think it is. At least for someone who works 8-5 like the majority of people. Even though I was making it for fun, it does takes me hours to even film and then edit, etc. My editing is basic but they still take me a while. It drains me, and it keeps me stuck from doing anything else. I have to think on a script, I have to dress up, put on make up, figure out the lighting(which I still suck at), pay attention on the: battery, memory card, film ,edit, uploads and shares to all my social medias, let's not forget of reply and never stop engaging with people, get new ideas, and repeat). It didn't matter if I made a video short or long because it wouldn't get enough videos, likes or comments. Yes, I said I did them for fun but it also hurts when you love something and it takes so many hours, days or weeks and the content doesn't do well. This is my fault for being such a dreamer as well. Just the idea of having to put-on make up is already a struggle for me. I know I shouldn't have to but you know more than I do that being unpolished isn't a good look(sarcasm) on social media oh, specially as a woman. We don't have to lie to ourselves. Call me pessimist but that's how I have felt on social media since I started my channel or at least what I have seen these couple of years.
Sorry for saying of these things but there's so much stuff on my chest. It has been for so long.
This is simply one of my issues but not the biggest one actually. Youtube has this constant non-stop grinding cycle with the whole algorithm, views, likes and subscribe thing really kills you slowly deep down. Doesn't help that my spoons are very limited as well as I suffer from chronic illnesses as well. again, I know I won't be the next PewDiePie but it really affects you after a while. This whole social media thing even on Instagram or TikTok it does take a toll on anyone who wants to share their passion or connect with anyone thru it. After the loss of my cat Hope which many of you know I really lost all of my "Hope". I wanted to quit for so long even before her departure to be honest because with all the pressure to look pretty, be trendy, make content, be consistent, also the big amount of young people who also wants to be an influencer so young, it's insane and there's a lot of more competition for views. I was getting very depressed with all of it together. After Hope passed away I noticed how much time I have "lost". Even though I was with her everyday, the time I stayed just preparing for videos that didn't reached people because Youtube would recommend other things, or just because people won't be interested enough to be subscribed at least for future ones really was the final straw. I would had stayed just cuddling with her all that time and lived a slow life like I tended to advocate with the whole mori lifestyle. Ironic that, I wasn't doing it because I was all in into the influencer/social media nonsense. I got so sad to know I could have spent more time with her even if already had spent 100%, I wanted more. 200%,300% whatever. Better than feeling mentally sick with how social media sucks you up. Anyways, I was simply burnt out and depressed. A perfect combo for a hiatus.
After spending few months away after her passing, I wasn't thinking on staying too long in hiatus because I felt that people "were waiting for me". I kept thinking that after so many videos, am I really leaving and quitting after those many years/videos uploaded? I felt that I would had wasted my time for nothing until I kept telling myself back that I already wasted it by not spending it with the people or companions I love/loved and are no longer here.
Now, why a blog? isn't that the same?
well I really don't even know. Maybe. I never had a blog, or I have ever done journal but I know that besides having to attended a therapist after Hope passing I also needed a place to vent. Instagram's doesn't feel good because it still has that algorithm that drains me out and makes me sick with the whole constant ads on ads, and the whole never-ending unrealistic content. I didn't mentioned but also about collaboration videos I made which some I deleted from the channel. I was tired of showing off stuff. Mainly because they were given to me for free and even though i didnt liked if I liked the item it was a constant pressure, and the amount of expectations was laughable. I would only receive money thru commissions but I'm a small channel so it's basically verh hard or impossible lol. Then the companies wouldn't ever contact me again but they could reuse my channel forever. Nono. Where was my channel heading to??? If I ever do sponsors I will think twice but for now I'm tired of sponsors so much.
The whole collaboration made me re-think many many things.
I want to be in a safe place/space, cozy corner or "burrow" hence my blog's name. Where I can be myself, talk... or in this case "type" without worrying about my memory card, battery, lighting or algorithm. I can do and say whatever I want. Nobody can see me how I'm dressed up or if my face is all dolled up. I can talk about all the things I like/hate and like to do in life. I thank my friend Lynzie who encouraged me to make a blog, even though it's been few days only but it seems I can never stop writing as if this is something I needed for so long. I'm not sure if I'm going to be burnt out in a week but I'm doing it now and as long as I can. I do will say that I have to pay attention that it doesn't happen to me here since I can look at likes, comments and views but I will try to focus on just writing and ignore that tab as much as I can.
Hope you can understand that I'm still me and I do still enjoy whatever you have seen me post about but, I needed a safer space to express myself. This will also help me expand on topics and help me grow in literature since that's something I was finding hard while making videos. My lack of vocabulary is very small(Spanish is my first language), and I l have a hard time retaining information when it comes to verbal communication) so I think for now this will be my little burrow.
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